Engaging in Community and Complexity

Once in a while my husband, Kris, writes about issues he is thinking about. Here’s his most recent submission. Enjoy! 

Martin Luther King Jr said, we are “in an inescapable network of mutuality”. As individuals we interpret, listen to, and speak to those around us from a single perspective, often imagining we can see from a higher ground, but in a world of vast complexity, wise and rational decision making can only be realistically sought as we recognize this network of mutuality. We are prone to numerous errors in our thinking due to our biases, fears, limited insights, and self-focus. How can we resist our natural impulses and errors that only deteriorate our communities and society? We will dwell amongst many communities: our family, our friends, our social networks, our society, our world, how can we be a listener and a voice that enhances the collective wisdom and state of those around us?

We live in a highly complex world. The English Wikipedia that succinctly describes most major ideas, concepts, and identifiable objects in our world, consists of about two and half billion words. That is about the same as the number of seconds in the average lifetime of a human. There are roughly 7000 languages in the world, each with their own unique thoughts. Our world is continuing to grow more complex. Populations are growing, cultures continue to evolve, techonology advances, and new challenges and ideas are encountered.

As humans, we are constantly seeking to interpret the world into discernible patterns that can be understood by our limited intellect and experiences. This means that we are prone to reintrepret the world into our existing simplified patterns. The complexity of the world doesn’t fit into simple patterns, but nonetheless we trudge along trying to make everything fit into our simplified view. I’ve been thinking a lot about how this distorts our perspective and decisions. Recently we began a new series at our church that started with Proverbs (1:22):

“How long will you simple ones love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge?”

Solomon realized that people are prone to try to simplify complex issues into simple good/bad, left/right, right/wrong patterns. This leads to the problem of creating false dichotomies as we analyze the world around us. The underlying motivation behind this is simply pride. Despite our limited finite nature, we wish to live under the pretense of understanding the world around us. This gives a feeling of superiority, enough that we feel entitled to mock. It is interesting that Solomon, one of the world’s wisest men, saw this issue even in ancient Israel. How much more do we face this issues in our complex world today?

As humans we tend to be very prone to a number of misleading ways of interpreting the world around us and to misleading those around, as we seek to assimilate our experiences into our limited understanding and share with others. To avoid the “love [of] being simple”, and being a “hater of knowledge”, let’s consider some of the misleading techniques of the simple (both for the listener/learner and the speaker):

Knocking Down Strawmen.
This is act of finding a weak point in someone else’s set of arguments, and attacking, or “knocking down” that weak point. Productive, well-intentioned arguments that really oppose another view must address the strongest point, not the weakest. But this entire exercise reveals a more sinister purpose. What is your purpose, what do you seek to accomplish by finding a weak point in a movement and knocking it down? Are you seeking to demonstrate your own superiority to another view, or to learn from it and engage it thus better understanding the issues? Does one who seeks to grow in their wisdom and knowledge generally have a goal to oppose others views or to learn from them? It would be pretty silly to look to the weak points if you are honestly in pursuit of the latter.

False Dichotomies
False dichotomies are when we confine a range of possibilities  into only two possible options. A classic aspect of simple thinking is the creation of false dichotomies, reducing the complex array of multi-dimensional factors, compromises, and ranges into a black and white option. A classic example of this is in economics, where so many people like to think they have a simple answer. Do you buy the false dichotomy that this is nothing but socialism vs capitalism, or are you willing to acknowledge nuances of well-balanced monetary and financial policies, the non-linearities of compensation, effects of foreign trade, the deviation from consumer rationality studied in behavior economics, and more in field that goes beyond what any single person, even with a graduate work in economics can fully understand?
“O simple ones, will you love being simple?”

Mockery
 Once you have distorted a complex reality into simple obvious right and obvious wrong, it is now easy to transition into mockery. Parody can be the source of some fun when everyone is in on it, but often times it combines the worst of irrationality and negativity. But rather me pointing this out, it is worth looking at what King Solomon had to say about it. Solomon employs a remarkably clever bit of irony (the real kind) shortly after vs 22 in Proverbs 1. After warning mockers not to continue in their mockery, he goes to say for that those who continue, wisdom (the anthropomorphization thereof) will “also will laugh at your calamity”. Indeed it is a very ironic retort to mockery, a parody of wisdom, to in turn be mocked by wisdom.

So it might seem that I am suggesting that this verse means we need to have PhD level insights on every subject. This is definitely not the case. There are numerous subjects that I know very little about. I think we need to synchronize the verse from Proverbs with other verses that speak to humility such as:

Mat 18:4 Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

In fact, the warnings against naivety and simplicity, should bring us humility. A humble realization of our limits in most areas of life should drive us to be first and foremost good learners. It should go without saying that wisdom lies with those that are attentive listeners and learners.

Humility can lead us to one of the most assuredly certain insights: our own experiences. There is nothing that we can speak with more authority on than simply our own experience. We may draw false conclusions, misinterpret meanings, but recouting our experiences themselves are something can share with our community that truly bring new insights to those around us.

These fallacies I mentioned can prevent us from clearly understanding issues and prioritizing our values and resources, as we listen to the world around us. However, we should consider not only how we process and filter information we receive, but how we lend our voice in a constructive way to a community. Are our voices weighing down issues with further polarization, over-simplification, or are we adding to our collective understanding by providing nuanced focused insights that can further expands other’s views and perspectives, giving them new ways to see the world?

The web has amplified our ability to pursue each of these paths. We can research and learn amazing amounts about topics from incredible variety voices right from our computer. But on other hand, it has also amplified our ability to insulate our perspectives. In the past, we used to get our news and information from “the media”, but with the death of centralized media, and the proliferation of variety of more niche information sources, it is now incredibly easy to tailor your news and information that is served to you in way that will confirm all of your existing biases, preconceptions, and views. Many have concluded that the Internet has actually probably increased our polarization as a society because we so easily tend towards the latter instead of the former way to approach the web. This tendency to try to confirm our biases is a well-observed, studied, and documented effect in psychology. Based on this natural fault in our psyche, it is not surprising that this is the road we often choose. Do you use the web to read from people that you already agree with, or do you use the web to broaden your perspective?

We tend to be driven to assert our “opinions” in community, regardless of whether it will contribute to the collective well-being of our community. Of course we always think our opinions are right, or we wouldn’t have them, but we continue to hold opinions, and feel equally right to hold to them without consideration to real amount of evidence for them. But our opinions are more than collections of information that we pass on. We hold opinions, to a large degree, because they are a part of asserting our individuality, our uniqueness as a person. We want to stand out, and our opinions help us to do that. To be opinion-less is to fade into the background. At it’s worst, opinions are nothing more than us clamoring for attention, “hey look at me, I have an opinion to share, look how smart I am, look how right I am”.

But opinions don’t need to be just arrogant self-aggrandization. A key part of community is connecting, and really getting to know each other at a deeper level. The humble sharing of opinions can express our true identities by revealing our underlying values, passions, and motives. This can be done without being couched in veneers of superiority, or intellectual “rightness”. If and when you must share opinion, consider this; often what we have to say isn’t adding collective wisdom of your community, and thus your opinion can and often should be shared with humility, not as a force to move others, or a weight to bear on others, but as candid reflection of who you are, what drives and defines you.

I wanted to summarize the difference between naive individualistic thinking and engaged community thinking with a table:

Naive Individualistic Thinking Engaged Community Thinking
Oversimplification of issues Seeks to under the various facets of issues
Adds to polarization Disrupts polarization
Claims to be right about everything Focuses on a specific subject that one could provide a well researched addition to the community’s collective knowledge
Interprets with a conclusion in mind Can share experience for collective interpretation
Knocks down strawmen Seeks how to learn from other’s perspectives
Mocks individuals Seeks reconciliation

So I want to leave you with the challenge of considering your role in the community as you learn, listen, and speak. Are you willing to be humble listener, recognizing areas that you haven’t a full understanding, and willing to engage in the complexity of issues in areas that you are passionate about? Or will you continue ahead with your ignorance and arrogance, over-simplifying, seeking to confirm your own biases? Will you share your opinions as reflections of your values and characters, or as just as a way to draw attention to yourself? How will you add to the collective wisdom of your community, your friends, your society, your family?

Little Pinches

Recently I was watching  two little loved ones of mine play together. They played well with each other, especially considering their age but occasionally one of these little ones would reach over and pinch the other. This happened several times and each time the receiver of the pinch would exclaim, “Ouch, that hurts!” but to my surprise would continue to play. Eventually I intervened and stopped the pinching, but the whole exchange got me thinking about the way that grown ups act with each other.

So often in life we receive little pinches from those around us. Sometimes it is a stranger who rudely pinches you as you bump into one another. A driver who gives you an unkind gesture or a fellow shopper who shakes her head at your unruly kids. Those pinches are easy to brush off and get over.
Sometimes we receive pinches in the form of inconsiderate comments or actions from acquaintances. You are not invited to an outing. Somebody who doesn’t know you well asks a question that seems too personal. These little pinches hurt a bit more than those from a stranger.
Finally there are the pinches that come from friends and those closest to us. A flippant comment made about your recent failure, choosing not to spend time with you, or simply “teasing” comments that are really meant to hurt.  These pinches hurt the most because they are unexpected and because these people are close to us, so they can pinch harder, closer, and with more accuracy.
We all receive pinches and we are often busy giving out pinches as well. Sadly this is a fact of life.  However, after watching these two little ones I realized that it’s what we do about these pinches that really matters.

The Receiver
As the receiver of a pinch, in each exchange that hurts there is a need for self reflection. Did that hurt because it hit an area of my life that I need to deal with? Why is this person pinching me? There isn’t really a lot that we can do in response to a pinch from a stranger, except just let it go. Responding in anger or acting out does not create anything positive and usually only gets you more upset. There is much more room for response with acquaintances and loved ones. I noticed with the little ones, the pain inflicted was proclaimed. Your words/actions caught me off guard and hurt me. This may not be appropriate to say to somebody you hardly know, but certainly with friends and those close to you. This is not an accusation, it is just a statement. Take care to say it in such a way.
Secondly, as the receiver of a pinch don’t withdraw. It is easy to say, That hurt and I’m not going to play with you anymore. However that does not resolve anything and usually only ends up breaking relationship and hurting only yourself more. Instead try to stay engaged, give the offender another change, be long suffering.

The Pincher
If you have hurt somebody with your words and actions be quick to make it right, especially if they have the integrity and love to bring it up. Don’t be defensive. Consider it a great compliment that they value your relationship enough to work through these little issues. Now is also a good time to consider your interactions with everybody you encounter. Are you a prickly person? Do you pinch everybody who comes near? Are you a repeat pincher? Do you hurt others to get attention? Because you are insecure? We all, at time pinch, but if you repeatedly are hurting those who love you there will come a time when they will chose to stop playing with you.

The Observer
There are times when others need to get involved. Sometime another person’s perspective can completely change a situation. Regardless of what role you play, be open to hear from others whom you trust and whom can see objectively. Perhaps that person will say, you are in an unhealthy relationship and you need to get out, these are more than just little pinches, these are punches. Or maybe he/she would say, you treated that person very badly, I think you hurt them.
Finally, as an observer if you see people you love hurting each other, intervene with love and fairness. Don’t take sides, but point out what you are seeing and are concerned about. Hopefully this will lead to whole and healthy relationships without any permanent hurt.

Thanks for reading my observations and allowing me to verbally process what I’m learning. :-)

Dramatic Much?

Conversation three minutes ago:

Korban (as he runs into my room, fake crying): Ow! I hurt my leg!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What happened?

Korban (still fake crying): I fell on the stairs. I hurt my leg. It’s broken.

Let me interject here that he did NOT fall on the stairs but rather tripped over a toy in his room. Also, his leg is not broken.

Me: Your leg isn’t broken.

Korban: It’s bleeding!

Me (looking at the horrible injury): No, it’s not bleeding.

Korban: It hurts so bad!

Me: You’re okay. You’re leg is going to be fine.

Korban: Oh, okay. (Runs off to play)

On My Nightstand

AKA: What I’m reading

The great thing about good friends is they tell you about books they are reading, what they are learning and it makes you want to read the same book. That is how I came to have TWO books titled Right Here, Right Now, on my nightstand. After hearing all my friend was learning from this book I decided I wanted to join in. So I went online, found the book by that title and ordered it. Then I excitedly texted my friend to let her know.
Her responding text: The book I mentioned is free. Did you get that one or the other with the same title?
Uh, I paid for it. :-( BUT since the real one was free online I promptly ordered it. Both sound interesting and I paid for one, so I’ll be reading them both.
One Thousand Gifts is like the Christian world’s  most popular books right now. I actually received it as a gift in March. Started it and then left it behind after a summer vacation. So I’m hoping to finally finish it.
The Mission Minded Family is a very practical, easy to apply book on teaching your kids how to look at their world from a more global perspective. I don’t love everything in the book but there’s lots of great ideas.
Loving the Little Years is a fun little book that my mom sent me after hearing the author speak at a conference. I have really, REALLY enjoyed it and find myself highlight much of it. One of my favorite things about it is that each chapter is short, like a page and a half. So I can sit down for 5 minutes and read and actually feel like I’m getting somewhere before I have to jump up and pay attention to the kids. This girl does not claim to have all the answers, she is in the absolute midst of parenting in the little years with five children under the age of 5! But she writes well and hits hard. Here’s a sample:

    “…the state of your heart is the state of your home. You cannot harbor resentment secretly toward your children  and expect their hearts to be submissive and tender. You cannot be greedy with your time and expect them to share their toys. And…you cannot resist your opportunities to be corrected by God and expect them to receive correction from you.”

Good stuff.

Remember when you were first married and you and your man would stay up late laying in bed talking passionately about things? It could be about anything from politics to how you raise children to how you load the dishwasher but it was exciting and frustrating and challenging and stimulating and just wonderful. Well I’m not sure what happened, kids and early morning runs I suspect, but I’ve realized that I almost never make it past, “Good night, I love you” before I am asleep. Those days of excited discussion came largely in part because we had so much in common. We read books together, read the same websites, told each other about other stuff we were seeing. In general we had lots more time to read and talk than we do now days. But I miss those days, I miss those connections. So, Kris recently finished Healing for a Broken World and suggested it. So I’m reading it so that we can talk about it. I may not be able to stay up late talking about it, but maybe we can have afternoon discussions. :-)

So that’s what I’m reading. Nothing terribly deep and NO FICTION :-( but still some good stuff.

My Favorite Moment

Little girl warm and clean and fresh out of  bath,
all snuggled down in her bed.
Her eyes shine bright, her cheeks red.
Stories and prayers and plans for days to come,
pile upon us like a cozy blanket.
Little arms wrapped snug around my neck
Sweetest smile and then,
“Mommy do you want to sleep in my bed with me tonight?”

This One’s Mine

This one is my sidekick.

This one knows how to strike a match (something Mommy didn’t know he could do until this morning!)

This one regularly tells me that he loves me.

This one is wearing underwear.

This one talks nearly non-stop, even if nobody is listening.

This one is STILL very passionate about tractors and all big machinery.

This one has taken a new delight in pestering his big sister.

This one does not like to be by himself.

This one put onion powder on his oatmeal this morning, tasted it and declared, “I yike it!”

This one wants to try everything he sees his big sister doing.

This one asked a girl out on a date already…no it wasn’t mommy, but it was one of his favorite people.

This one has stolen my heart.

This one is mine. :-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

School!

Jennika started preschool this week. I never thought I’d be putting my daughter in preschool, in fact I can remember some conversations with other moms saying I wouldn’t. However one thing I’m learning on this parenting journey is that the the phrase “I will never….” or “My child will never…” should be followed by a VERY reserved few statements…otherwise you’ll end up eating your words, often.

So, Jennika is in preschool. This little preschool is just perfect for her. It is only a couple hours twice a week. She is in a class with all girls (could be a great thing but also a very dramatic thing!), and two of those girls are her very best friends! I love the play-based approach to learning that the preschool embraces and the social interaction that Jennika will experience.

Ready for the first day of school! Korban didn't want to miss anything.

Yes, my backpack is almost as big as me...so?

In her classroom.

While Jennika is at school, Korban and I get two hours of one-on-one play time! We are having lots of fun!

Summer 2011: A Summary, Part 4

You had no idea when you started reading this how long and broken up it would be, huh? I told you we had a busy summer!

After Oregon we headed back to Utah for our church’s annual camping trip.

There was lots of construction work to be done.

Best friends camping together. What could be better?

After our camping trip we threw the party of all parties for Jennika and Halle who are both turning four this month. I really don’t think we’ll ever be able to top this one!

What a cute pair!

Face painting!

Beautiful!

There was even a visit from a "real" princess and her dog!

Jennika and Princess Amera

I’m telling you this party was the best! We had pretty pink fingernails, beautiful face painting, dancing princesses, songs, story time, and even a lesson on princess manners.

Finally, Kris and a couple friends went on a camping trip this weekend. Here’s a couple photos of the beautiful area they were in.

Red Castle/Kings Peak Area in the Unita Mountains

Jon, Kris, and Jesse on top of Kings Peak

That’s our summer summary! Jennika starts preschool this week. Summer is officially over (for us anyway), and what a wonderful summer it was. I hope yours was full of fun and adventures too. Thanks for reading!

 

 

Summer 2011: A Summary, Part 3

After Wyoming and Belize we packed up once again and headed to Oregon! Where we….

...went swimming with Papa and cousins...

...saw Oma & Papa's "new" fancy car....

...even riding in the rumble seat....

...celebrated Jennika's birthday....

...with a pirate & princess treasure hunt! This is the treasure map.

There was sword fighting....

...escorting princesses...

...and even a scary cave to explore!

Never ones to let moss grow under our feet, after a few days at Oma and Papa’s, we headed south to Foster Lake for a couple days of camping and boating.

Jennika went knee-boarding for the first time.

Kris got to show off his skills too!

Even I got back on the wake board after a four year sabbatical. Don’t worry, no pictures were taken. :-)

 

Summer 2011: A Summary, Part 2

Here’s more:

We went camping in Wyoming and my sister took us on a trail ride. Jennika got to ride her very own horse!

Korban and Mama's big horse.

Camping

Me and my beautiful sis...in her territory.

While I was in Belize the kids stayed and my parent’s house and had a wonderful time!

Wrestling with Uncle Modi

 

Reading with Aunt Jilly

And even Uncle Stephen...he's not so scary, once you get past all the hair!

While I was in Belize, Kris went rock climbing in Wyoming.

Amazing!

 

We came home just long enough to do some laundry, check our email and catch  up on some reading and then were off on our next adventure…..